Clever Boat Names Brace Yourself (Owned by an Orthodontist) Sir Osis of the River Aqua Seltzer Out to Launch A lawyer's boat called ~ Watertight Alibi Meals on Reels The Merri Yot … and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy Battle Hymn of Term Finals (Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic) Mine eyes have seen the horror Of the ending of the term It has poisoned all my spirits Like an apple with a worm It's infected all my freedom Like an ugly cancer germ The truth shall soon be known. Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known. I have listened to the teachers But the homework leaves me cold I have never done assignments Although many times been told I have even missed my classes When I was feeling bold The truth shall soon be known Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known. They are adding all my points up And I haven't earned but few In fact, I haven't even gotten More than one or two Oh, if I could only find an answer Anything to do The truth shall soon be known. Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known. On the lines of every gradebook There is solemn news for me The worst is yet to come when Financial Aid ignores my plea So I guess the only answer is To drop my books and flee The truth shall soon be known. Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known. Well, the end has finally come And I have failed to pass a class Though the fun and laughter, goofing off Was really quite a gas But I won't be in the numbers Of the capped and gowned mass The truth was finally shown. Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure, and humilation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth was finally known. Actual Travel Agent Stories From a former Washington, D.C. travel agent of over 30 years * A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. * A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response? Click. * A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!" * A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." * A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive between gates to save time." * An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast. She bought it! * A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that the label was only a destination tag. * A Senator's aide inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" * A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." * A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane"? She said, "Yeah, whatever!" * A senior Senator had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had one." I double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!" * A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she replied. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state and finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" * I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!" Some tips for Seniors I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. Facts of Life * Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. * There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. * Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. * Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying) * Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. * Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.. * A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. * Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. * The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. * There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. * If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving. * A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions Rules for Driving in New York City * When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. * Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. * The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. * Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. * Always look both ways when running a red light. * Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. (Truest of All) * Making eye contact revokes your right of way. * Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights. COLLEGE CLICHES IN HORROR MOVIES: Most of the students are always way too stupid to be in college. The big time jocks are always the first to go, so brawn does not matter. If you are a blonde with big breasts, don't get naked or you're a goner. Never go exploring in that creepy deserted building. Avoid any college with asylums or prisons near by. Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving. Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered in blood. If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue. If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected pledges, especially if they were released from a nearby asylum. Campus Police are pretty much on the level of Keystone Kops. Never stay in the dorms during extended holidays. English Genders for Nouns From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. Cowboy Wisdom There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' t'backer. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Funny actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong: 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. 20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination. 21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person. 30 years - what a long strange trip! 1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2002: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2002: Weed killer 1972: The Grateful Dead 2002: Dr. Kevorkian 1972: Going to a new, hip joint 2002: Receiving a new hip joint 1972: Rolling Stones 2002: Kidney Stones 1972: Being called into the principal's office 2002: Calling the principal's office 1972: Disco 2002: Costco 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1972: Taking acid 2002: Taking antacid 1972: Passing the drivers' test 2002: Passing the vision test 1972: Whatever 2002: Depends YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF... ... Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma. ... You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. ... In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. ... The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. ... At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling. ... You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. ... You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. ... You see a good design and still have to change it. ... You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. ... You still own a slide rule and know how to use it. ... You window shop at Radio Shack. ... Your laptop computer costs more than your car. ... Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. ... You've tried to repair a $5 radio.